Gravitational force

This used to be my morning.

  • Hear the radio come on.  Hit snooze button.
  • 7 minutes later, hear the radio come on, hit snooze button.
  • Repeat that for an hour while wondering why I don’t just set the alarm for an hour later since I’m clearly not going to get up that early and now I’m getting like 8 sleep fragments of 7 minutes each.
  • Get up since sleeping any more will result in being embarrassing late for work, rather than just late, and/or bladder will no longer tolerate being ignored.
  • Relieve bladder.
  • Step on scale.  Scoff at number and decide to weigh self again after a shower and hopeful evacuation of bowels.  And also perhaps I’ll need to pee again.  That will make a difference.
  • Shower, take care of bodily functions.
  • Weigh self again.  Same number.  WTF?  But I just eliminated weight from my body.  Hair is wet from shower.  Things are heavier when wet.  That must be it.
  • Walk around till hair dries (too lazy and hair too curly for blow drying).
  • Sit on toilet again to force out more poo while also creating hemorrhoids for the sake of loss 0.2 pounds.
  • Step on scale.  Higher number?  WTF?
  • Shuffle feet around on scale.  Clearly not standing on it correctly.  Lean slightly to the left. Number returns to pre-shower number.  Phew.  Crisis averted.  Still hate number displayed on scale.  Make sure to turn scale off lest boyfriend come in and see number.

And then I went on with my day.  It was a great way to start.  Put me in a right good mood in the morning.  Especially on that rare morning when all the planets aligned and I actually saw a lower number than the day before.  Then all was right with the universe.  Invariably though, that was followed by a 5 pound gain the next day.  I was addicted to that scale though.  Even though it rarely gave me any good news.  Also I am addicted to Q-Tips.   Seriously, I cannot walk by Q-Tips without sticking them in my ears.  So if I ever come to your house, hide your Q-Tips.  I have to keep mine out of sight.

My mornings are a little bit different now.  Not a whole lot different — I still set my alarm for my “ideal” wake up time and hit snooze 8 to 10 times and shower and stuff.  But I don’t weigh myself.

Back in September, I signed up for the Live More Weigh Less program by Sarah Jenks.  One of the first things Sarah asks participants to do is stop trying to lose weight, which involved no longer weighing yourself.  I surprised myself by pretty much immediately saying “okay” to that.  So I weighed myself one last time.  You know, I had to have a before weight.  That’s how bought in I was — I was meant to give up weighing myself and trying to lose weight, but it was important to have a before weight.  And then I didn’t weigh myself for a long time.  And then I decided that it would be okay to weigh myself because I had to see whether all this mindful eating and daily movement and having more fun was working.

Hadn’t lost any weight.  It wasn’t working.  Might as well quit.

Maybe this sounds familiar?

I used the scale to tell me whether all of my efforts were working.  Been eating paleo and working out.  Is it working?  No change on the scale.  Screw it then.  Bring me pizza and ALL THE CANDY.

This little machine that I stepped on became the barometer for my worth as a human being, my mood and whether or not I would continue to do things that were probably good for me regardless of what the scale said.  When really, all this machine is telling me how much force gravity is exerting on my body.  It is not telling me whether I’m a decent person or a good mother.  It is not telling me (contrary to popular belief) whether I’m healthy.  It is not telling me anything other than how much I weigh.

So I really and truly stopped.  I haven’t weighed myself in months.  I really don’t know how much I weigh.  I still have the scale because it’s useful to know the weight of other things, like the copper pipes that we took out when renovating that can we can actually sell to salvagers.  The scale is in the basement now, and since I pretty much never walk to the basement naked first thing in the morning I can be pretty sure I won’t get on it any time soon.  Cause everybody knows that the only right way to weigh yourself is first thing in the morning, naked, after elimination of all bodily waste and before ingesting anything at all.

In the end, I guess I just got tired.  I got tired of judging myself based on a number that in the end, I don’t really have any control over.  I can adjust my eating habits and exercise all I want, and my body is going to do what it’s going to do.  I’ve been working for a while now on just trying to feel good.  I want to continue to do things that feel good, no matter what the scale says about them.  Seeing the number on the scale rarely made me feel good.  So I stopped.

August Writing Prompt #26 Why are you saying goodbye to your scale?



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