Confidence. And a bucket list.

I’m supposed to talk about 10 things I’d like to someday have the confidence to do.  I haven’t given this one too much thought, so this could be interesting.  Or really, really boring.  Time will tell.  It’s bound to be wordy.  So get a drink and a chair for this one.  Maybe some food.

  1. A boudoir photo shoot.  I’d like to do that.  I’m not sure whether I don’t do it because I lack confidence though.  For one thing, these shoots are expensive and I am cheap. About stuff like that anyway. Lots of nice bottles of wine can be had for the price of a boudoir shoot.  But probably more than that, it’s actually the lack of appropriate clothing.  I have no idea where to get lingerie (by lingerie, I don’t mean bras, I have those, or underwear, although I hate underwear and it never fits right.  I also hate the word panties, which is why I didn’t use it.  Now I’m cringing because I typed the word panties.  Ugh.) that would fit me.  I know for absolutely sure that the photographers will not have anything that fits me in their collection of stuff.  I have been unable to find anything that fits in any store, and I am afraid to order anything online lest is not fit or look stupid and I not be able to return it, thus having spent the equivalent of 10 nice bottles of wine on some kind of lace body stocking that makes me look like I’m a fly ensnared in a spider’s web.  Maybe I could do this naked though?  Or with strategically arranged sheer scarves or lace blankets.  Or tablecloths or something.
  2. I want to hike Mount Kilimanjaro.  I’ve wanted to do this for a long time and at one point became dangerously close (when I was in better hiking shape).  This one will cost me a lifetime supply of bottles of nice wine, but I think it would be worth it.  And while money is the big object here, even if I won the lottery, I’d be hesitant to do this one right now because I’m afraid I’d be unable to make the climb because I’m in such bad shape.  I wouldn’t want to be the one to be last, or have to quit or be pulled up the mountain by a donkey or something.  So lack of confidence.  And also the fear of wasting the equivalent of a lifetime supply of nice wine.
  3. I’d like to wear a bikini.  In public.  I don’t think I’d look good in a bikini, but I’d like to have the confidence to a) think I look good in a bikini and b) not give a damn about what anyone else thought of me wearing a bikini.  Lots of women do this now.  I was at the beach on Monday and I saw plenty of larger women wearing bikinis.  A few years ago, I would have been all “eww, she shouldn’t be wearing that”, but I am proud to say that now I’m all “You are absolutely amazing!!!!”  I am glad to have evolved into a better person who doesn’t judge people on how they look.  Now I judge people on more important things, like whether they watch True Blood and what kind of wine they drink.  But really, most of the time there is too much stuff going on in my head to be bothered to judge anyone, unless they are actively trying to be an asshole in which case I would judge them to be an asshole.
  4. I’d like to launch my coaching business.  I did training, I’ve been coaching in some capacity for many years, and I think I’m actually pretty good at this whole coaching thing.  I have a website and a Facebook page and everything.  I don’t know much of anything about launching a business, but I’m pretty sure it involves more than creating a couple of websites and then doing absolutely nothing with them.  I wish I could say that it’s lack of knowledge that’s stopping from launching the business, but it really isn’t.  It’s lack of confidence.  It’s the voice in my head that says “why would anybody pay you for coaching?”  It’s not just my voice, but the well meaning voices of others too.  They don’t say it quite like that, but they do ask questions like “Do you really think people will pay for it?”  Those voices are the only things that stop me from asking all my friends and family to like my Facebook page and making an announcement on LinkedIn.  Which is at least a start to launching a business.  I am afraid.
  5. I’d like to write a book.  Not doing this one might be a mixture of lack of confidence, laziness and pursuit of perfection.  I think I have interesting things to say, and I’d like to write a book.  But who would read it?  Why would other people care what I have to say?
  6. Building on the one above, I’d like to have the confidence to call myself a writer. I’ve always sort of fancied myself a writer.  My whole life, from the time I was little, my inner dialogue has been in book form.  When I decided to take writing somewhat seriously (in that I started a blog and wrote tons of stuff back in 2006 after I got divorced and started online dating cause that is the source of an endless number of stories) I joined a writer’s website.  Which made me immediately realize that I was nowhere near as good a writer as I thought I was, in spite of what people had told me.  Everyone is a better writer than me (yes, I am aware of the grammatical incorrectness in a sentence about good writing).  I’d like to have the confidence to a) acknowledge that not everyone is a better writer than I am, b) acknowledge that some people are better writers than I am and I can learn to be a better writer from those people and c) that none of that matters at all and I can call myself a writer simply because I write stuff.
  7. I’d generally like to have the confidence to just not really give a shit about what other people think.  Not in the way where I want to be become a complete douche and walk all over people without regard for their feelings, but in a way where I feel like I could be more authentically me and be okay with that.  For example, I don’t publish this blog very widely, because I’m worried that people I know may be offended by things I write, or that they’ll take me too seriously and be worried about me or something.  Or worse, that they’ll start giving me advice, which I really and truly don’t want at all.  People seem to think that when you put your thoughts and feelings and experiences and emotions out there, that you have by default opened yourself up for advice.  Um, no.  Unless I ask for advice, and probably even if I do ask, I don’t want advice.  You can, of course, have an opinion, but you, not being me, do not know what it’s like to be me, even if you think you have gone through the exact same thing (truth — you haven’t — everybody’s experiences are unique, even when you’re experiencing the same thing at the same time) or you know exactly what you’d do if you were ever to experience the thing I’m experiencing now (more truth — you really don’t know what you’d do until you actually experience the thing.  I know this from much personal foot from mouth removal and backpedaling after saying “If that were me, I’d do …” only to find myself in that exact situation a few years later and doing not at all what I said I would do if I were ever in that situation).  And what was my point again?  Oh yeah, that I’d like to have the confidence to just put my stuff out there as being authentically me, knowing I would never deliberately hurt someone I care about (or even people I don’t care about) and just let people’s opinions, reactions, and advice be their own.
  8. I’d like to have the confidence to really and truly ask for what I want, and to say what I think.  I censor myself a lot.  And subjugate myself and my own needs to other people’s all the time.  I’m really good at asking for stuff for other people, but not so much when it’s about me.  It goes back to my definition of brave.  Maybe this is the same as #7, but I’m just gonna decide that it’s not quite the same thing.
  9. I think I’d like to go zip lining.  But I’m kind of afraid of getting stuck and being the fat girl who got stuck.  Then they’d have to send somebody to rescue me and what if that person couldn’t move me.  I’d have to be rescued by helicopter or something.  That would be mortifying.  I don’t know whether there’s a weight restriction on zip lining.
  10. I wish I had the confidence to speak French.  I pretty much can speak French and definitely understand most of what I hear, but when it comes to actually using it I tend to get flustered and shut down or I am so afraid of making a mistake that I just go back to English.

This was #12 in the August Writing Prompt series.  The Confidence Bucket List.  Tell me about 10 things you hope to one day have the confidence to do.

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