You can’t sit beside me with that

So.

It’s been busy.  Work has been busy.  I have been busy with coaching outside of work.

I have been sugar free for 23 days.  It is still difficult.  I still crave sugar.  Like today, my boss was sitting beside me in a meeting and he was eating this monstrous chocolate chip cookie.  I swear, the thing was like 5 inches in diameter and half an inch thick.  I believe he may have gotten it from the cafeteria and it must have been freshly baked or something because I could smell it, the way you can smell cookies baking.  In my head, I’m thinking “dude, you can’t sit beside me with that thing, cause I will not be responsible for my actions.”  And he took an agonizingly long time to finish it because he kept talking during the meeting.  By the end of the meeting I’d forgotten about it though.

And then, just a few minutes ago, I was at the post office to pick up a parcel and the post office is in a drug store and I thought, “some Reese peanut butter cups would be good now.  Or some wine gums.”  And then I thought, “You’re going to that scrap & yap on Saturday, surely you can have some candy then, it won’t be a big deal.  Just a little bit.  Just one chocolate bar.”

It’s funny how the voice is way more persuasive at those times than it is when I’m at home, in my kitchen with my head just buzzing, wanting some form of sugar NOW.  Almost ready to eat brown sugar off of a spoon.  Yes I do this.  Well, I haven’t for at least 23 days.  Oddly enough, in those moments, I can usually calm myself down and just day “not now.  I am not making this decision now, when I’m tired or anxious or whatever.”  Because I know in those moments, making the decision to have sugar would lead to an all out sugar binge for the rest of the night.  But when I’m just going about my day and suddenly the voice says “have a chocolate bar.  Just one chocolate bar won’t hurt,” it suddenly sounds almost reasonable.  And for most people, one chocolate bar wouldn’t hurt.  And even though in that moment, I might be able to eat just one chocolate bar, I know that it would lead to another chocolate bar the next day, and then I’d be back riding that sugar rocket every single day, multiple times a day.  So I don’t listen to the voice.  But I feel like I’m getting dangerously close.  Maybe it’s like quitting drinking or smoking.  I don’t really know.

I really hope that some day, I can get to the point where I can be like normal people with sugar.  Where I can have one chocolate bar and not feel like I need several more.  Or like I can open a bag of candy and have some, but not all of it.  I don’t know if I’ll ever be one of those people though.  I quit drinking diet coke 8 and a half months ago.  I have not had a single sip of diet coke.  I was addicted.  I drank 6 to 12 cans a day.  I thought that couldn’t be good, and I’d tried in the past to have 1 or 2 cans a day, without success, so I quit.  For a long time, I craved it a lot.  Now I don’t really think about it anymore.  I don’t ever drink it, even a sip, because I’m not sure that I wouldn’t quickly end up back with my 6 to 12 can a day habit.  Quitting diet coke was easier than sugar though, because I had something to replace it with — I started drinking club soda.  Not nearly in the quantities that I drank diet coke, but a couple cans a day.

I learned another thing this month.  I took on too many things.  I was going to cut out sugar and go to the gym every day and eat without distractions and meditate and go to bed at a reasonable time every night.  Too much change all at once.  All good things to do, but too much to do right now.  I tend to do this to myself all the time.  Get really excited and over commit.  Maybe one of these days I’ll figure it out.  Maybe this month.

So, yeah, I’m going to continue with the sugar free until I hit at least 60 days, because I can tell by the voice in my head that I’m just not where I want to be with it yet.  After that, the two next most important things are eating without distractions and working out.  I’d like to be writing here more.  It looks like the weather might actually give way to spring in the next couple of weeks, which would be good because then I could get back to jogging outside.

I’ve been doing some work on goal setting based on intended feelings — creating my own little program about how to do it.  Trying it out now on myself.  Next comes inspiration and motivation and reward.  How to make those new actions something we just do, rather than something we have to argue with ourselves about.  It will be interesting to work through it all.

So here are a couple of interesting random factoids.

I sort of need reading glasses.  It really irritates me.  I have a pair and it really bugs me that I have to wear them to read a book now.  I used to wear contacts for distance vision and then I had laser eye surgery and that was completely brilliant.  Anyway, now I need reading glasses.  Only sometimes I don’t.  Sometimes I can read a book just fine.  I have no idea why this is, and I was pretty sure it was because I’m either diabetic or having a stroke, but I guess it’s pretty normal.  I only have the one pair of reading glasses and I never know when I’m going to need them, so I of course never have them with me when I actually need them.  I should just keep them in my purse.  Like I used to do when I only needed them to thread a needle.  Anyway, I guess I’ll have to go to Costco and buy a bunch of cheap pairs and just leave a pair everywhere.  Apparently they have them 3 for $12.

And another thing.  Yesterday I was talking to my daughter about quitting drinking diet coke, and she said something about how she knew that I quit because I was trying to lose weight.  It surprises me how often she thinks the things I do are about trying to lose weight.  Like, if I’m reading a book, she’ll ask if it’s another weight loss book.  I find this strange.  I have weight loss books, but I pretty much never finish reading them, and I haven’t bought one in years.  I have no memory of ever talking to her about dieting or trying to lose weight.  Other than when I explained to my kids why I had the band surgery.  That was in 2007.  She would have been 6 then.  Could she remember that?  Am I doing something else that gives her the impression that I want to lose weight?  I’ve always been pretty careful about talking to my kids about stuff like that because I didn’t want them to inherit my complex.  Interesting, how they pick things up, even if they are subtle.

It’s not about weight.  It’s about doing things that feel good.  About building a healthy relationship with food and with my body.  That’s what it has to be about.

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2 Responses to You can’t sit beside me with that

  1. You will get there. It is always so funny to me how people don’t talk about the struggle with food. I used to always look at my friends and think, how can they have one cookie, or one bite of cake and not end up eating half the cake and then making some pasta and finishing up the other half? haha! I wish more people would be open like this. While I was never considered “large” I was about 60 pounds bigger than I am now and that is a lot on a 5’5” frame. It wasn’t so much about the weight as it was about the relationship. Living is about enjoying, tasting, having fun and, well… feeling alive! You will, with time, learn to balance. Try sticking to your diet and then counting out the amount of candies, or buying a back of reeses and throwing out one of them. I know it seems unnatural now, but with time it will become normal and then you will be able to have your cake and eat it too.. all while looking hot! haha. If you are looking for some totally satisfying and amazing recipes that won’t make you feel guilt and are portioned check out my site! Best of luck xo A

    PS: Don’t forget to LOVE YOURSELF. You are beautiful! It sounds like you have amazing kids, you don’t want to miss your time with them. When you are hard on yourself it takes a bit away from them because in their eyes you are perfect.

    • Thanks for the comment. I hope I’l be able to get there. I did just realize while I continued to think about this (while driving, because I get all kinds of great thoughts while driving) is that while I really want it to be true that it’s not about weight, in my head, it really still is. So I have some reflecting to do on that. I’ll be writing more about it soon. I’ll check out your site. Thanks.

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