Even if I’m screaming and crying

So, it’s the first of March.  New moon for a new month.  Time to set goals and all that.

Looking back … January was a pretty good month for me.  February, not so much.  I quit taking care of myself, got sick, took worse care of myself as a result and still feel kind of sick.  So March.  Take care of myself again.  The primary intention is feeling good.  Self care is necessary for feeling good.

I know what this means for me.  Get some exercise, every day if possible, certainly at least 5 days a week.  Get enough sleep and use the CPAP machine.  Eat awesome food without distractions.  Get rid of sugar.  Meditate or tap.

I used to use Sparkpeople for weight loss tracking, back when weight loss was the primary intention.  Since I quit weighing myself and focusing on weight as a measure of success back in September, I’ve only been on the site sporadically because it didn’t seem to fit anymore.  Basically I just kept up with some blogs of some of my Sparkfriends over there and that was it.  Since I started blogging again, I go over and post a link to my blogs there.  But today I took a look at it, and decided to try using the site again to track my intentions.   Not my weight or calories or exercise minutes.  But the intentions above.  Exercise for at least 21 days in March.  Go to bed by midnight on work nights.  Eat without distractions.  Meditate or tap.  Go sugar free starting Monday.

And the thing is, I need to just do these things.  No matter what.  I can scream, cry, pound my fists and be mad about it, and I still need to be in bed by midnight.  Or go to the gym. It doesn’t matter what is going on around me, I will do these things. It will feel like my cells are rebelling, because something different is happening and I need to remember that my cells are not rebelling, they are rejoicing and my mind is misinterpreting it.  Think less.  Feel and do more.  Remind my mind that my cells are rejoicing by treating myself after 3 days of doing.  And then after 7 days, and 10 days, and 15 days and 21 days and 31 days.  Flowers, a magazine, a candle, nice soap, a nice bottle of wine, a bracelet.  Have a little bit of fun every day.  Rinse and repeat.

Sugar will be the hardest one.  What I can do when it gets hard?  I can tap.  I can write something here.  I can read.  I can go to bed.  I can call someone.  I can think about what need I’m really trying to fill with sugar and find a productive way to fill it.  Wait, maybe I just did.  I want sugar when I’m stressed, tired, bored, lonely.  All of those ideas above are ways to satisfy those needs.  Sugar isn’t.  Sugar makes me more tired and guilty.

I decided that in spite of the current financial crisis, things that will make me feel better are important.  So I got my supplements and am going to find a mattress topper.

Feeling calm today.

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