Overwhelmed and babbling

Feeling a little overwhelmed today.  Well, no.  A lot overwhelmed.

It’s performance review season at work, which I hate.  I have to do peer reviews for people and am supposed to comment on how they meet the company’s values.  I don’t know what the company’s values are.  I am a bad employee.  So I give up on that today.  I will try again on Monday.

Financial difficulties continue.  Got paid today.  After my mortgage and line of credit payment come out, I will have -$15 in the bank.  And it’s the beginning of the month, so there will be a bunch of other bills needing to be paid too.  I believe I will have to cash in some of my retirement savings to ease the burden, because I really don’t see an end in sight.  If I finish my income tax return this weekend I can maybe get some money back soon.  That will help.  And I’ve got a call in to a bank to talk to someone about changing my line of credit so the monthly payments aren’t so high.

I have made an offer for free coaching to meet my 25 hour pro bono requirement for my course.  So far I have done 4 and half hours of free coaching and I have 5 hours scheduled for next week with more people wanting sessions.  So that’s good.  And also overwhelming trying to fit it all into my work/home schedule.  Work is getting busier now too.  I wonder how many people will be willing to pay for coaching.  If some of the people who I’m coaching for free would pay it would help with the financial stuff.  I like coaching though.  It’s been very satisfying so far.  And I have what I think is a great idea for a workshop or an online course.

I’m tired.  I have been stuffed up all week, so I can’t use my CPAP machine and am now waking up with headaches in the morning.  My bed is uncomfortable.  My shoulder hurts and makes it hard to sleep.  Turns out it’s arthritis, so it’s probably going to keep hurting.  I have physio next week for my shoulder.  And acupuncture.  I could go to Walmart tonight and get a memory foam topper for my mattress to see if that helps with the comfort, since I can’t afford to buy a new one.  But I can’t really afford to buy a mattress topper right now either.  They are around $200.  Maybe I should just put it on a credit card because getting a good night’s sleep is important.  I can rinse my nose with that Hydrasense stuff before bed so I’m not stuffed up and can wear my CPAP.  I already have the Hydrasense stuff.  I’m out of some supplements that I normally take and now that I’m not taking them, I notice a difference in how I feel.  In that I feel worse.  They’re expensive-ish though.  But maybe worth spending money on because they make me feel better?  I don’t know.

I haven’t been taking good care of myself recently.  Eating crap and not exercising, aside from volleyball.  I can fix that for free, more or less.  We have lots of food in the house and I already have a gym membership.  It’s just about making a commitment to spending the time and then doing it.

I’m just sitting with this, the feeling of being overwhelmed.  Because I think too often we don’t let ourselves feel the bad feelings and we try to make them go away.  The bad feelings have something to tell us too.  Feeling overwhelmed can remind me how good it is to feel fulfilled and peaceful.  And in this case, it seems to be spurring me to take action.

So it’s okay.  I’m overwhelmed, and I’ll be okay.

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