Halley’s Comet, grandmothers and boners

A conversation with my kids (12 year old daughter, 11 year old son).  This took place in the car while I was driving them to their karate class.  It’s maybe a 5 minute drive.

Son:  Mom, did you know that Halley’s comet is coming around again in 2061?

Me:  Is it?

Son:  Yes.  But I guess you’ll be dead by then.

Me:  Probably.

Son:  Wait, no.  You’d be 91.  So you might still be alive.

Daughter:  Yeah, you’ll be an ooooold grandmother.

Me:  Well, maybe not.  Maybe neither of you guys will have kids and I won’t be a grandmother at all, I’ll just be old.

Daughter:  That makes you weird, not wanting to have kids.

Me:  Well, not really.  There are lots of people who don’t want to have kids.  It doesn’t make you weird.

Son:  What if you want to have kids but you don’t want to have sex?

Me:  That makes you weird.

Son:  Yeah, I guess it’s only weird if you want to have sex all the time.

Me:  I want you to remember that you said that when you’re 16.

Son:  Why?

Me:  Ask your dad.

Daughter:  Can a gay man have sex with a person of the opposite gender?

Me:  Well you guys are here, so I guess it’s happened at least twice.  But it’s difficult.

Daughter:  Why?

Me:  What did you learn in health class about how penises work?

Daughter:  Ummm… the sperm comes out?

Me:  Yeah, but before that.

Daughter: Ummmm…

Me:  Did they mention how they get bigger and harder?

Son:  That’s called a boner!

Me:  Right.  Okay.  Well, men need to get a boner to have sex.  And to get a boner, it helps to be attracted to the person you’re having sex with.  So if you’re gay and trying to have sex with a woman, it might be hard to get a boner because gay men are attracted to other men, so that makes it harder for a gay man to have sex with a woman.

Daughter:  Oh.  I guess <brother> is too young to have had any boners yet.

Me:  No, even babies get them.  When he was 2 he spent a few days pulling down his pants and announcing to everyone that his penis was big.

Son:  Yeah.  Mom, I find the best way to get rid of a boner is not to touch it.

Me:  Okay, well you do whatever works for you.

Thankfully, the car ride ended there.

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